thinking about quitting instagram.
+ ticket info for the premiere of "algorithm."
So I’ve been re-evaluating my relationship with social media…again. I would say social media has become a special interest of mine (In case you missed it, surprise, I’m autistic). Although maybe, obsession or concern is a more accurate descriptor. I don’t enjoy the act of scrolling in the way I love the action of participating in my other special interests. This special concern revolves around researching, learning and, trying to understand why social media makes me feel unsettled 75% of the time and what to do about it. (how very human design 1/3 personality type of me).
My Timeline:
2009: I open a Facebook account complete with cringe albums from singular nights out.
2013: I download the Instagram App. I love a good food photo.
2015: I start sharing my chronic illness journey online.
2016: I premiere my one-person musical, Dysfunctioning Just Fine. The talkbacks were full of queer and disabled discussion; an intersection of conversation that was rare in my day-to-day life. I start a Youtube Channel with my partner to continue the dialogue.
Facebook is evolving. It’s no longer maximalist albums and original content by its users. I am bombarded by re-shared political articles every time I log in. The election results are in and it is all too much. I take a few hours to unfollow everyone I am friends with. I type a friend’s name in the search bar when I want to see what they are up to. My feed is just a couple of updates from groups I’m in.
2018: My very public relationship documented in both my one-person musical and Youtube channel ends. I begin questioning where personal life ends and content begins. I debate if I ever want to share my relationships publicly ever again.
2019: My friend from an online support group has passed away from surgical complications. She was a prominent Youtuber in the chronic illness and service dog community. I watch classless strangers talk online about her death, claiming the operation was unnecessary from the start; accusing her of only doing it for content. It makes me sick to think how these people libeled her after her passing while her family was just trying to grieve.
2020: I am informed of my own defamation. Months of cyberharassment and libel have left me fearing for my safety and terrified to post; especially anything regarding my chronic illness journey. I watch scum of the earth online placing bets on which chronically ill content creator would die next in the name of content. I want to vomit. The silver lining is this abhorrent gambling goes against community guidelines, taking down this entire lumpenproletariat crevice of the internet in one fell swoop. I can breathe again.
The coronavirus can no longer be ignored. Broadway and the theatre industry at large have shut down. I have a lot of time on my hands and write a lot. Both my Youtube and Instagram are starting to gain traction. Brands reach out to me for partnerships. I dabble in the world of “content creation” specifically, testing out if being a part-time content creator is for me. I find my niche/stride in creating educational infographics around disability and LGBTQ+ topics but quickly grow to resent this.
A dance colleague of mine goes viral on TikTok for a housecleaning video. She has quickly capitalized on this and becomes a part-time Tik tok and Youtube influencer. Seeing her play out what I’ve been dabbling in makes me realize that a high follower count doesn’t mean as much to me as fewer highly engaged individuals following me because they enjoy my work.
TikTok has entered the chat. This app will surely lose relevancy once all the actual dancers have stages and screens to be dancing on again right?
I happen to stumble across a few Instagram accounts; @1000hoursdry, @queersobersocial, and @retiredpartygirl. They make sobriety look so glamorous. The people in this corner of the internet are warm, supportive, and highly engaged. I decide to take a break from booze until this whole panorama is over.
2021: 6 months sober and a host for @1000hoursdry, I build up my content creation skills and portfolio. I land three different freelance social media-related positions while theaters regain their footing. I learn all the secrets and science behind growing a social media account. Instagram is evolving into an e-commerce and video-driven platform so I do my best to adapt. My eyes open to the ways social media is engineered to keep you on the app for as long as possible because your attention = $$$.
It seems Tik Tok is not going away anytime soon so I bite. I resent that the only content gaining any traction are hollow outfit of the day videos. I find the app highly addictive and time-consuming so I delete it off my phone.
I book my first national tour.
Instead of churning out lots of educational content during Dysautonomia awareness month, I decide to take a month-long break.
2022: My acting career is gaining traction.
I drop half my side jobs.
My new year’s resolution is to share my craft more online.
I find it difficult to casually post on Instagram anymore now that I know so much from working behind the scenes. I begin to question, when did art become content?
Instagram’s new more Tik-Tok-like interface update is too jarring of a change for my autistic brain to handle. Scrolling has become intolerable. I combat this by taking a few hours to mute everyone I follow. I am feed-less. I delete the app from my phone. I occasionally look at some of my favorite accounts from my laptop. Sometimes I re-download the app to post something but I am mostly left feeling as though Instagram no longer values art and encourages us to scroll faster. faster. faster.
I sit in sobriety meetings and have an aha moment that while I wouldn’t classify my relationship with social media as an addictive one, I do see how, similarly to my previous relationship with alcohol, it adds minimal benefit to my life. This aha moment is not accompanied by a solution. It feels as if you have to have social media as an actor. Or at least a lesser-known one.
Today: I do not have a solution. I instead try to understand this topic from all angles. How some of the most intelligent minds on the planet have engineered these platforms using psychological principles to sell our attention as ad space. The ways in which these platforms and algorithms affect our mental health, influence our politics and incite violence. The trends and predictions for the future landscape of social media from some of the leading experts in technology. I google if actors need social media and the results are an overwhelming yes. On Youtube, I find people documenting their departure from social media and the positive benefits it’s had on their life. I find only one video from the perspective of an actor. She took a 3-month break while on maternity leave but promptly goes back despite how good she was feeling with no explanation. It leaves me confused. I find myself in a rabbit hole of videos with visual artists telling me how the artist-to-content creator pipeline will kill my creativity. I revisit some of the most interesting and inspiring stories like Ingrid Nilsen or Kate Flowers, Youtubers who retired from content creation and traded influencing for creative jobs primarily offline.
The research leaves my brain a gooey mess. If Instagram is dying what does it matter if I get off the platform? What are we going to do when Tik Tok dismantles the big social media giants? When all that is left is a landscape of smaller niche social medias, how will we allocate our time and energy? Where are the actors in the conversation around social media killing our creativity? At what stage in one’s acting career can one feasibly quit social media without repercussions? What are those repercussions? Everyone says actors need social media but no one can seem to tell me why. How much are actors really on these platforms anyway? Can Tik Tok just rot already? Is there support like my sobriety groups but around using social media more mindfully? Where would one even look for those if not on social media? When did art become content? When did fancy equipment, content creation, editing, and marketing skills become pre-requisite to becoming a performer? I despise the notion that I am a content creator because it neglects passion and ignores the craft. Social media is a tool for the work, not the work itself. Part of the beauty of the performing arts is that we consume it with our phones turned off (or more often these days, silenced and put away). When did social media become integral in an industry that creates art meant to be witnessed without distraction? How? When I was a kid, my theatre instructors had a no phone rule backstage. All phones had to be turned off to keep us dropped in and not distracted by the outside world. Maybe it’s because we're adults now or maybe times have just changed, but in my 5 years working professionally as a performer, I’ve never walked backstage and not seen multiple cast-mates entranced in the glow of a phone screen.
Love,
Meredith
p.s. if you know of an intentional social media club or group like I mentioned PLEASE send it my way.
I’ve been pouring all these feels and special concern into a new concert dance piece titled algorithm. You can find all the deets on the here. Come say hi to me at the after party on Saturday!
my rehearsal director in a little puppy 5th position. Scout turned 4 last week!
if it weren’t so panini press out there, I’d be at a sweaty gay club dancing to this asap.
we love when two of our favorite artists collaborate.
fun fact: I am in the top 1% of Lake Street Dive fans for listening time (so obviously i’ve already listened to their new ep.)
If you listen to any of the music in this newsletter, make it this album.
This podcast gave me lots of ideas or how to market myself as an actor and connect with others off of social media.
An honest convo about social media addiction.
If you are re-evaluating your relationship with social media I recommend Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport.
Speaking of Cal Newport, Facebook is trying to copy TikTok, but this strategy may well signal the end of these legacy platforms according to this New Yorker Article of his.
If you have made it this far THANK YOU so much. If you have enjoyed this newsletter and want to support me you can:
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Thanks for sticking around.
Love,
Mer