they/she.
a work in progress about gender, neurodivergence and finding comfort in simultaneously connecting to many specific labels and just existing without worrying about labels at all.
photo by bridget eleanor.
In an ideal world I would just exist. I wish we all could without the pressure of labeling everything with language that will ultimately never fully contain the multitudes and nuances that one embodies. For me, I’ve never found a singular word that fully encompasses everything I feel gender or sexuality wise. I’ve instead held a handful of labels and adjectives that resonate with different pieces of me and my relationship to those pieces, for the purpose of connecting with others.
I’m starting to realize the pressure with labels is “what if I’m wrong?” So at times, it’s easier not to label things. However, I’m trying to accept that getting it “wrong” is okay and part of being human. As an actor, I make choices…bold choices, with full confidence. Rehearsal is a safe space to play, try, and explore without fear of failing.
I think as queer people we feel immense pressure to prove things are not a phase so much that it prevents us from experimenting, and trying, and treating our life like a creative laboratory space. But it can be just that. Learning, course correcting, failing and regaining our footing I would argue are some of the most beautiful parts of being human.
A directing professor of mine once said, “If you are unsure whether or not a choice is working, try the opposite. The failure of the opposite choice will serve as confirmation that your initial instinct was correct.” The past year of distancing myself from womanhood, proclaiming I am not she, her or hers and sitting with a heavy heart when news broke of the overturning of Roe v. Wade. (a news story that was mostly being fed to me as an attack on “women’s rights” yet felt unshakably personal), has served as that kind of confirmation on my gender journey. I was reminded by old journal entries that my relationship to gender has been less about resonating with something and more about resonating with everything; embracing all parts of myself.
I think in a lot of ways I worried people might treat me different, might not take my coming out, my pronouns, my identity seriously if they knew she lived in me. I think this pressure to be taken seriously influenced much of how I navigated coming out.
In a lot of ways my undiagnosed neurodivergent self lacked the ability to navigate the world without the binary as a script (despite proclaiming my freedom outside the confines of it). Upon coming out, I subconsciously grasped for new outlines and rules, and thus I put on a new mask. When I came out as queer and later genderqueer, the labels were accurate but the overt performance of queerness and androgyny was hollow and forced. Performing masculinity helped me feel safe when I didn’t realize I was autistic - queerness was the closest explanation I could find to this deeply rooted ever constant feeling of innate out of place-ness no matter how hard I try to fit in.
There was a comfort in identifying with a community that wrote their own rules but internalized phobias left me feeling immense pressure to desperately overcompensate. That overcompensation took many forms from feeling the need to present more butch, or more masculinely, or androgynously, anything but femininely. To proclamations of “I am not a woman” and the distaste for woman coded language. Writing a musical about my first queer relationship. Making Lesbian couple content on Youtube. And my overall “men are trash” attitude on life.
I’m not sure where this pressure I felt came from because I cannot comprehend how folks can even police gender when it is both the most real and fake thing that exists. Looking back I just want to shake myself and say, “WHO ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR? THIS ISN’T YOU!!”
I try to have compassion for the version of me who felt she had to vehemently prove her queerness in order to be granted permission to write her own rules in this life.
Sometimes it feels the more I learn, the more questions I have but I am learning how to be the playwright of my own story. The referee of my own rule book. In this moment, as I write this this new chapter, this is what I know to be true.
Am I a woman? Yes...and
The fact that I have to caveat with “and” places me under the nonbinary umbrella.
and…
Some would argue that me having to caveat with “and” also makes me a demi-girl. Or bi-gender since I feel a connection to both being a woman and being nonbinary (simultaneously, and on occasion separately). Some might also argue the fact that I said “on occasion” makes me genderfluid. However, I can’t say I feel a connection to the any of these labels even if they are technically accurate.
and…
My relationship to gender and sexuality is uniquely, inextricably tied to being autistic. My understanding of gender is through a neurodivergent lens and my complicated relationship with social constructs. This feeling/relationship to gender is sometimes referred to as autiegender or neuroqueer. The moment I learned these words was when I realized my relationship to/ lack there of/ inability to completely comprehend the concept of gender was perhaps not the norm and the moment I was overcome with a deep gut feeling that I was indeed autistic.
As I’ve started to attempt unmasking- letting myself embrace my autistic traits and not feel shame or try to hide them, I’ve realized that performing masculinity has been heavily tied to my mask. Performing masculinity and androgyny protected me when I felt out of place, or exposed. I could hide my autistic traits by being athletic, “chill”, and ambivalent, or wearing simple masculine clothing without any frills or fuss. Trying to fit in with boys was always easier for me as a child because boys felt more straight forward. Girls had all these unspoken rules that I could never put my finger on, a.k.a. girl code. It’s hard to say how much of my discomfort was gender related versus how much of my discomfort stemmed from my neurodivergence.
…and
I am queer/bi as in my love has no limits. I do not prescribe to “ratios” as a bi woman. I am learning that I do not need to shout from the rooftops my attraction to other genders for that attraction to exist. Dating men doesn’t make me less queer. Dating women and gender nonconforming folks does not make me more queer.
I am gender nonconforming/ gender expansive as in the only rule about gender is that there are no rules, man and woman are just two of infinite genders and, within those two genders there are infinite ways to be a man or woman.
I am questioning as in I dare to question everything. always. and know that nothing is set in stone, life is transient. I learn more about myself every day.
I am non binary as in I feel we are all born nonbinary and taught gender.
I am genderqueer as in that I’ve always gotten the sense that my understanding of being a woman was not the same as most of my peers and I’m not trying to conform to society’s strict definition of woman or nonbinary.
I am a nonbinary woman as in the exclusively in “Non-binary or genderqueer is a spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively man or woman” has always been the word that spoke to me. I find pride in the way I was socialized and the community it has given me. Sisterhood feels euphoric to me. I don't feel womanhood tells my full story, but I'm not divested from it, either.
To some, it may seem contradictory or not make sense but that’s the beauty of the labels I claim for myself, they’re for me and for those willing to get to know me and my story.
It feels good to rediscover the she in me after losing her in an attempt to be taken seriously. One word could never encapsulate all of me but woman is feeling like an important piece to convey in that it captures who I’ve been and who I’m becoming. It feels good to invite she and her back to the table.
mandatory puppy pic:
serotonin in a bottle:
this song makes me want to make out with some she/her cutie. 🥰
someone dance with me to this song please and thanks.
i joined the 21st century and got airpods and the universe blessed with me a new Sammy Rae & The Friends single. the sax solo/modulation into the key change in this song gets me hyped.
also Lizzo dropped her new album which I listened to in all my airpods’ noise cancelling glory this morning.
this this this this this podcast episode.
i shared on my instagram a clip of this this Evyan Whitney quote that I love.
this is the podcast episode it was from.
curiosity corner: (cw: abortion, 988 crisis hotline talk)
this 11 minute podcast episode really checked me on my misandry.
midwest access coalition believes everyone should have access to safe, free, legal abortions wherever they live. If you’re seeking abortion assistance, they can help with travel, lodging, food, and more.
abortion funds by state to donate to
chicago abortion fund provides financial, logistical, and emotional support to people seeking abortion care in Chicago, in Illinois, and the Midwest.
Plan C provides up-to-date information on how people in the U.S. are accessing at-home abortion pill options online.
Been trying to learn more about the the new 988 crisis hotline and boy is it a very nuanced topic.
Here’s some info so you can make an informed decision about whether or not 988 is an appropriate resource for you and how many details you choose to share if you find yourself in need of dialing 988. Of course do your own research as well.
The new 988 hotline will have the capacity to route police to your location if you call them for mental health support. If you say anything that could be perceived as being a danger to yourself or others, 988 will use geolocation to route police to their location.
Often when we are in crisis we just call whatever we know. So here are some additional resources to know about. May you find yourself in need of help, I want you to feel you have options.
Trans Lifeline provides trans peer support and has been divested from police since day one. They’re run by and for trans people.
Warmline Directory. Warm lines are progressive, recovery-oriented telephone services that provides alternative support to empower people and promote wellness. They are staffed by individuals professionally trained in Recovery Support, Advocacy, Mentoring, and Professional Responsibility.
The Wildflower Alliance is a grassroots Peer Support, Advocacy, and Training organization with a focus on harm reduction and human rights.
If you have made it this far THANK YOU. I’m so glad you are here. If you have enjoyed this newsletter and want to support me you can:
forward this newsletter to a friend you think would enjoy it
share an excerpt or quote from my essay on social media
hire me (I have some availability this fall 😉).
Thanks for sticking around.
Love,
Mer